Blasting out of my comfort zone, and the key to my sadness

[mattlistener]

Early '98, in Boston just a few months. A remarkable thing happened while I was helping organize an annual meeting of the ADPCA. (The Association for the Development of the Person-Centered Approach is a non-heirarchical organization devoted to my discipline of therapy). My co-organizers were Carol -- whom I'd met at the '96 meeting and is my favorite person in the field -- and Julia, Barbara, and Deborah, respectively an ex-client, an ex-student, and a old friend of Carol's.

ADPCA being what it is, it's very important for an organizing committee to work out its internal issues in advance. Experience has shown that when they don't, those issues come out in the larger gathering and can majorly detract from the event.

As it turned out, '98 was widely regarded as one of the best annual meetings to date. We'd spent at least as much organizing time doing group process as we did doing practical planning. If this sounds onerous, bear in mind that the tenor of such things depends entirely on the participants. I loved it -- these were great people to process with.

Julia and Barbara, to my right and left, were having a heated difference of opinion. I was tracking, being present to it, but not needing to contribute at the time. Across from me, Carol came in with an clarification response, to which Julia responded with some heat, not wanting to be derailed. Carol put up her hands and scooted back her chair, in effect saying "that's cool, I'll take myself out of it" -- and in that same instant I LEPT out of my seat, across the room and into Carol's lap.

This turned out to be immensely, unprecedentedly affirming for her. Carol said no-one had ever before stayed with her like that, when she'd taken herself out of something.

Where did that come from? I'd had no forethought or process leading up to it. I was in motion the moment she was.

Another story. '91, University of Chicago. I'm a sophomore, in the early stages of nucleating, with heart and cheer and unknown savvy, a community around myself. Winter exam week, late at night, a senior friend of mine calls me up to her room. She says she's too anxious to sleep, *has* to sleep so she can do well on a critical exam tomorrow, and could I go get her some alcohol so she can calm her nerves and fall asleep.

I listen, and ask if a shoulder rub would help, and she says no, alcohol is what she really needs, and her upperclassmen friends on the floor won't do it for her because they know her parents are alcoholics.

So I got on my bicycle and went and got her some. A quarter-bottle of champagne, per her request. It was the only time in my life that I bought alcohol while underage. They didn't card me.

I can't explain what the hell I was thinking. Buying alcohol for (in all likelihood) a dry drunk? When I'm underage and she's not? It felt like the right thing to do.

The next day she leaves me a note. She's given away the bottle. She says that just having someone really trust her, really believe in her, had calmed her anxiety enough to go to sleep. Not needing the alcohol after all, she hadn't wanted it around.

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It is this: there is a fierceness in me, a tenacity, in my love for people.

A rare circumstance calls me forth, and in that moment a person totally knows that they're 100% real to me, and that I am for them with all my heart.

I am sad sometimes, because I wish for more amory in my poly life. I know that, if I could let this fierceness out with people, I could surely overflow that cup.

Comments

[zmook.livejournal.com]

I'm probably just echoing things back to you that are already implicitly in what you just wrote, but I figure it sounds like you want support as much as anything.

Your title, "blasting out of your comfort zone", sounds like you're on the right track for overcoming sadness. I'm here to say there's nothing like taking a big chance on something to help you feel alive, even if (ahem) it goes terribly wrong. (In my own current misadventure.
I've learned much more about the INS than I ever wanted to, but I've also learned I have more real friends in Boston than I knew. That's a fair trade.) But maybe I'm reading too much into your title: do you feel like you're stuck in a comfort zone right now?

"A rare circumstance calls me forth." If I understand you right, you have within you capabilities you rarely use, so you feel you're not living up to your full potential, and are thus unsatisfied. Is there anything you can do to make those circumstances less rare?

Anyway, go Matt! I'm always here to listen.

[mattlistener.livejournal.com]

>do you feel like you're stuck in a comfort zone right now?

Almost my whole social life in childhood was spent being an observer. I got *good* at it. It also created the comfort zone that I still live in.

>Is there anything you can do to make those circumstances less rare?

That is definitely a key question. Working on it.

>Anyway, go Matt! I'm always here to listen.

:-) :-) Thanks!

[catya.livejournal.com]

sometimes, i wish for the ability to damp that fierceness down - i'm at the other end of the spectrum.

What do you think keeps the fierceness in, for you?

[mattlistener.livejournal.com]

>sometimes, i wish for the ability to damp that fierceness down - i'm at the other end of the spectrum.

Wow.

>What do you think keeps the fierceness in, for you?

That's another key question.

Unfamiliarity. Fear of being misunderstood. Hyper-competent brain trying to run things that it should instead get out of the way of.

[catya.livejournal.com]

i can see that. unfamiliarity breeds its own cure.

fear of being misunderstood, or being rejected for it (which i'm reading in), is a big one - i try to deal with that by focusing on how i will deal with it if i AM misunderstood or rejected, and once i have a clear course there i'm more able to risk doing whatever it was i was afraid of.

getting the brain out of the way... that's hard too. try listening to your intuition more on small things? work your way up?

*hugs*

over-helpful brains

[(Anonymous)]

> getting the brain out of the way... that's hard too.

"Chop wood, carry water." The specific goal of Zen is to get the monkey-mind out of the way. But you knew that. 8-)

(wave, wave! Hi! 'Sme, Jacque!)ˇ

[zmook.livejournal.com]

Fear of being misunderstood.

Catya suggests dealing with it by thinking about it more. I'd go the other way, myself. Get a bit reckless, take some chances. It's the only way to get enough experience to make the fears of the unknown go away.

You've got enough friends who won't abandon you if you make mistakes.

Hyper-competent brain trying to run things that it should instead get out of the way of.

Well, at least you don't have any modesty issues. :-]